Fraud
Music & Lyrics by Ross Childs and Jake Dewar (2020)

JAKE:
Short or tall, young or old, are you feeling outta luck?
Well, have no fear! Just lend an ear if you wanna make a buck!

ROSS:
You needn’t worry ‘bout hardship, or toiling endlessly. (Tempo picks up.)
The world’s your oyster if you make the choice to have a seat and listen to me!

JAKE:
And me!

ROSS:
I promise friend, that never again
Will ya have to worry about cash!
Forget your morals, rest your laurels
And life will be a bash!

JAKE:
It’s simple as a pimple to learn to do,
Whether you’re refined or flawed!
You’ll carry on with wine and song
Once you commit to fraud!

BOTH:
OH, FRAUD, fraud! Holy God!
Fool the folks and dupe the clods!
Makin’ cash, hand over fist!
It’s so darn quick, ya can’t resist!
Fraud, FRAUD, LET’S APPLAUD!
Turn those bills into a wad!
Trick each gentleman and broad,
With sweet and friendly fraud!

ROSS:
Just keep it simple, if you’re in crimp’ll
Still be a winner, I swear it!
Beware of scat, go catch a rat
And sell it as a ferret!

JAKE:
If things are steady, then you might be ready
For something more complex…
Make a fine cologne that’s filtered through stone
And say it’ll get a guy sex!

ROSS:
Write a book for guys who’ve got their eyes
On picking up some dame!
They’ve got no clue, and neither do you-

BOTH:
But it’s money all the same!

OH, FRAUD, fraud! Holy God!
Fool the folks and dupe the clods!
Makin’ cash, hand over fist!
It’s so darn quick, ya can’t resist!
Fraud, FRAUD, LET’S APPLAUD!
Turn those bills into a wad!
Trick each gentleman and broad,
With cute and cuddly fraud!

JAKE:
Now it may be unforgiving to scam the living,
Who still have lives to be led,
So search a while, and start to file
Some tax returns for the dead!

ROSS:
Here’s something cool! Start an online school
And make millennials pay the dues!
When it starts to fail, go ’head and bail!
You’re rich and can’t get sued!

JAKE:
Go sell some homes with predatory loans!
Those suckers’ll think it’s great!
And when it comes to a halt once they default-

BOTH:
Get bailed out by the United States government!

FRAUD, fraud! Holy God!
Fool the folks and dupe the clods!
Makin’ cash, hand over fist!
It’s so darn quick, ya can’t resist!
Fraud, FRAUD, LET’S APPLAUD!
Turn those bills into a wad!
Trick each gentleman and broad,
With warm and fuzzy fraud!

ROSS: Here’s an investment sure and sound! Buy a building, burn it to the ground!

JAKE: Or for personal enjoyment, file someone else’s unemployment!

ROSS: Mess with people’s lives and welfare, by depriving them of healthcare!

JAKE: Steal, embezzle, scam and cheat, make a deal that can’t be beat!

ROSS: Write the book ‘Art of the Deal’-

BOTH: A story of success that isn’t real!

JAKE: Seriously, he made a bunch of really bad investments in the 90s and the banks had to bail him out. Also he inherited all of his wealth and he probably isn’t as rich as he says he is. He’s definitely not as Christian as he says he is.

ROSS: Oh, maybe we should do a televangelist scheme!

JAKE: Oh, yeah! There’s definitely gullible Christians…

BOTH:
FRAUD, fraud! There’s no God!
Fool believers, lead the flo-ock!
Steal their cash, with a flick of the wrist!
We’re so obsessed, we can’t resist!
Fraud, FRAUD, LET’S APPLAUD!
Just look at this amazing wad!
Trick the whole world by and by,
With low-down dirty lies!
Through the grime and dirt we’ve clawed,
To commit to committing fraud!